How to Explain Your Surrogacy Journey to Your Children: 8 Tips for Success
There are a few things to consider as you tell your children about your surrogacy journey. The way you approach the conversation will depend on your child’s age and cognitive ability, whether there are other siblings in your family, and the support and awareness around you, your family, and your community.
It is important that your children learn directly from you that you are a surrogate, before they overhear any conversations about it or are asked about it from someone else. Here are eight tips to keep in mind while you talk to your children to make sure they understand, respect, and get excited alongside you on this beautiful journey.
Follow your children’s lead. Share with them the basic information and see if they ask another question. If they do, answer that particular question. Avoid overloading them with more information than they are asking or are ready for.
If your children are very young you can wait until you know you are pregnant so that they don't have to hold the information for too long a period of time.
Si sus hijos son jóvenes, he encontrado que la mejor manera de describir la subrogación es mostrarles una fotografía de los padres previstos. Les da algo tangible que pueden ver y a lo que pueden aferrarse. Puedes explicarles que la familia o los padres esperan que tengan la oportunidad de tener un hijo como el que tú tuviste. Comparte con ellos que el cuerpo de la persona es incapaz de hacer crecer a un bebé, así que vas a hacer crecer a su bebé dentro de tu cuerpo. Hazles saber que estás ayudando a crecer a su bebé, pero que no vas a ser la madre del bebé. Este es un regalo que puedes dar a alguien que quiere tener un bebé.
Es importante usar la palabra "sustituto" con sus hijos. Este es un evento tan significativo en el mundo de su familia, que deben sentir que son parte de él. Necesitan saber lo que significa "sustituto", ya que están obligados a escuchar las conversaciones entre usted y otros adultos, ya sea personalmente o médicamente.
Te sorprendería saber cuánta gente en público está dispuesta a decir y hacer preguntas personales. Es probable que asuman que el embarazo resultará en un hermano para sus hijos, y podrían preguntarles directamente, "¿Vas a tener un hermanito o hermanita?" Sus hijos deben tener la información para responder de una manera que les resulte cómoda. Puede que quieran responder a la pregunta o dirigir a la persona hacia usted
Some children may ask about the medical piece, as you will be going to several medical appointments. You may get questions like, “How does the baby get inside?” Depending on their age, you may respond by saying, “With the doctor’s help.” Depending on how inquisitive your child is, as well as their age, will determine how much technical information they need. If you are not sure of the language to use there are some books that can help so that you can read the material to them.
With children at all ages it is important to reassure them that you are doing ok, even if you have nausea and don't feel well, or are going to the doctor more often. If your children are a bit older you can let them know that not every seed or embryo becomes a baby and that you may be trying a few times.
If you have multiple children of different ages and you choose to tell your older ones, we don't want them to have to hold a secret from your younger children. Sometimes it is best to tell your different aged children separately so you can answer their various, age appropriate questions.
Surrogacy is an exciting journey to take with your family. It is an opportunity for your children to learn about you and have a unique life experience you will always remember!
Abigail Glass, MFT
Soy terapeuta, esposa y madre con experiencia personal y profesional en las áreas de tratamiento de la fertilidad, adopción, aborto y pérdida temprana, subrogación y embarazo difícil.
